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Day 1, #1
January 21, 2006
Field report:
This one pretty much happened by accident…
I am at an Erotic Poetry reading that
afterwards is supposed to break into a “Sex Positive” party. I don’t know
what that is… and I’m not sure I’m ready to find out. I’m pretty much just
there to experience the challenge of being in a “party” atmosphere and to
try to make some connections with the group of people that runs the thing.
I spent a lot of
the night just “witnessing” my emotions as they come up (insecurity,
inadequacy, etc.) and giving myself a lot of credit for just being there in
the first place, around people, around strangers. I do break into a couple
of conversations, challenging one attractive woman on some philosophical
point she’s trying to make with one of the poets; teasing another for
stealing my stool while I’m in the bathroom.
But after the poetry ended was when things
really shifted. The readings had gotten me totally charged and the
connections just fell into place as I talked to the poets, getting lots of
unexpected “Indicators of Interest”, prolonged touching, rubbing against me
while talking to others, etc.
But there was one
girl that I hadn’t connected with who was a little more scary. She was on
the couch chatting up this studly guy who’d had all the women in the room
drooling during his performance… On impulse I walked up, crouched down, put
my hand on her leg, held my breath and blurted out something
incomprehensible like:
“Hi I’m Working
This Project To Overcome Shyness Where You Have To Let 100 Gorgeous Women
Know That You Think They Are Gorgeous And I Think You’re Gorgeous Dot Dot
Dot”
The reaction was amazing.
She put her hand on my arm, looked deeply
in my eyes and asked “Why do you need to do that? Is it hard for you to meet
people? You’re really doing that to overcome shyness?”
“Yes, I’m doing it to overcome shyness” I
said, and I told her that she was the first.
She pretty much melted…
“I’m the first? Really? Wow, you’re very
brave,” she said, pulling even closer to me.
I noticed there was a HUGE amount of
warmth coming out of her palm (which was still on my arm) and commented on
it… talking about reiki, psychic healing, etc.
“Here, let me test you…” I said.
I had her sit on
the edge of the couch, placed one of my hands on her chest (skin to skin),
the other on the small of her back (again, skin to skin), and within seconds
I had her breathing in unison with me, eyes closed… one hand on her exposed
heart, the other hand adjusting her posture from behind, gently guiding her
this way and that as we breathed together.
All this, just minutes after meeting her.
I got up to leave, and the look in her
eyes was amazing, as if she was thinking… “Wait, you can’t leave. That’s not
what’s supposed to happen next. You’re so cool… you can’t just… leave.”
But I did, hugging a few more people as I
walked out the door, I was stoked, and astounded. Not only was I able to
connect with a woman I found beautiful, and easily. She’d been attracted to
me as well.
Freaky. Freaky and amazing.
Day 9, #2
January 29, 2006
Field report:
I’m out of town visiting a friend and I’m
in Starbucks waiting for my coffee and waiting for her to come out of the
bathroom. Across the room I see this stunning, lanky woman… like a 12 or 13
on the 10 point scale for me… Meaning she’s a 10 and I’m actually drawn to
her, as opposed to repelled. Generally, if a woman is attractive and put
together I tend to project all sorts of negative things on her… high
maintenance, narcissistic, frosty, etc. In this case I’m not getting any of
that read. She’s staring at me, and I’m staring at her and the eye-gaze
game of chicken is on, and I’m not about to loose.
I don’t remember who looked away first but
it was definitely one of those “OK, we respect each-other… let’s move on”
deals. My coffee comes and my friend has not, so I walk back to the front
of the restaurant, passing the 13, to sit on a stool until my friend
returns… who then does. As we were leaving, again on impulse, I walk up to
the 13, put my hand on her shoulder and deliver the spiel… and crash and
burn.
She smiles politely and shakes my hand but
I leave feeling like I’ve just found a dirty lollypop in my pocket and
started sucking on it… I literally felt like there was a film of lint on my
tongue. Her energy was SO jaded and full of entitlement and yes, she was
polite but ICK.
Then, leaving the building I got this
incredible RUSH, just like surviving a bungee jump but without the cliff.
It was like “Wow, I really did that… that was so cool. So what if I sucked.
So what if she was frosty. The point for me is to get over the fear of
approach, and that was probably about the worst it’s ever gonna be and I did
fine!”
I was so charged I felt
like I just wanted to run out and do a dozen more… and the buzz lasted all
night.
Day 15, #3
February 4, 2006
Field report: #3 & the Clinique Girl
Two weeks after my first
“approach,” and nearly a year and a half after first learning about the
project, I’ve decided to take it on in full. My goal is 10 and I’m walking
a quaint little “downtown” area near my house. (DPA) I wander around
a bit and I notice that the longer I put off starting the more stale the
whole environment feels. I feel more intimidated, less and less capable of
trying. I’m psyching myself out, and not noticing any targets anyway.
Deciding I need a new environment, I head out to nearby mall. A very “posh”
location with lots of expensive stores. (SFM) But feeling defeated by
my experience so far I decide I need a warm-up first and go to a local
grocery store setting myself a goal of at least 1… but once again it just
doesn’t feel “right.” I’m totally psyching myself out… “Gotta do it…”
“Can’t do it…” “Gotta do it…” “Can’t do it…” “Gotta” “Can’t.” “Gotta”
“Can’t.” Defeated, I slink out of the store, feeling like the omni-dork.
Soon I’m at the mall and
again notice how intense my resistance feels… my head is coming up with all
sorts of reasons why I shouldn’t do it… “place isn’t right,” “it’s
impolite,” “the spiel isn’t right,” etc. I’m psyching myself out, again…
but I’m at least aware of it. So I just witness. Give myself permission to
be a dork and decide to first get the lay of the land by just walking the
length of the mall and give myself permission to not hit any targets yet.
Just thinking about it is frightening enough.
Walking along, I notice
that there really are no targets, and the ones that catch my eye are mostly
in groups, male/female, female/female, and I start to get a sense of how
easy groups (“Sets” in PUA nomenclature) could actually be. In all the study
I’ve done, when people talk about sets I always thought that I’d NEVER be
able to do that… but walking the mall I could see how it could actually be
easier. Less pressure somehow since you’re not focusing all your attention
on one person. I’ve noticed this as well in teaching Yoga, that a small
class is exhausting, while a large one is energizing.
Still walking, I’m feeling
a knot in my stomach, tension in my gut, and still not seeing targets
anywhere. I make it to the back of the mall and wander into a store that
used to be a cool record store but was no longer and behind the counter is
this yummy mulato and I walk up.
“Can I help you?”
She asks.
I put out my hand,
shake hers and stuttering and shaking say “I’m K-K-Kirin, I’m trying to
overcome shyness by introducing myself to attractive women…”
(Blank stare…) She
smiles politely and shakes my hand and says, “Oh, thanks… I hope you get
that fixed!”
I leave… Ugh.
I wander out feeling frustrated that I’d delivered so badly but then quickly
shift my focus to the positive, focusing on the fact that I DID do it… that
how well I do it is not the point and that I had done it. So what if I
freaked… I did it! Then the rush hit… WOW! Did I feel powerful… I’d broken
through the wall of fear into courage! I was still not happy with the
“performance” but was thrilled with myself for doing it at all…
Next I head toward the Clinique counter at Macy’s to pick up some toner and
the counter girl’s eyes are gorgeous – so I do the “Eye Thing” on her. The
eye thing is not part of the program… just something that I do sometimes as
an artist when someone’s eyes strike me, male or female. I’ve done it for
years.
Me: “Are your eyes real?”
She “Huh? What do you mean?” (They almost always say that… It’s kind of an
IQ test... if they get your meaning right away you know you've got someone
sharp)
Me: “Are they contacts or natural?”
She: “No they’re real” (she beams)
Me: “Let me get a better look… come closer…”
I motion her to come
closer… I’ve now got her about a foot away from my face staring into her
eyes and she giggling and hemming and hawing and looking away, not able to
hold my gaze and trying to look down but not being able to because the whole
point is for me to see her eyes. I tell her “No, don’t look at me… look
through me. Focus beyond me…” She’s muttering some gibberish about her
Grandma as I notice she’s wearing a lot of makeup (done well --as she’s a
Clinique girl of course) and I say, “You’ve got too much makeup on… I can’t
tell what color they really are. Let me see your drivers license.” Then the
phone rings and she’s totally addled… “Wait, wait. Don’t leave, I’ll get it
for you… hold on…”
I was amazed at how willing she was to follow my lead… I’d just met her and
she was following my every instruction. Amazing… She brings it to me,
deliberately covering everything but her photo with her hand, and I take the
license from her to get a closer look (still covering everything with my
hand… a nice detail I felt) and comment that I still cant see them well
enough. But enough’s enough… I head out, leaving her wishing I’d asked for
her e-mail and feeling like a million bucks.
After that I headed out to Starbucks, and reflected a bit on my experiences.
It was interesting how CHALLENGING the first counter girl was and how EASY
the second was… the difference was familiarity (with the spiel) and
motivation. In the first case I was SO charged around the activity… in the
second I was simply curious about her eyes, with nothing to gain or lose,
and very comfortable being dominant in that situation. Interesting.
Take Aways: On the first one I was noticing again how the built up pressure
of anxiety relived itself in jubilation after breaking through the wall.
Also, the way that I am able to confidently lead a woman again surprises me…
I’ve really learned a lot working this stuff, but you don’t really see it
until you put it into practice. I’m thinking that this spiel I’m working
with is perhaps a really hard assignment for me… admitting that I am both
overcoming “shyness” and “attracted” to someone are two of the most
vulnerable things I can say to someone… but I’m willing to play the game
‘cause I know that I’ll learn valuable things no matter what. I’m also clear
that I need to have the spiel down… that not having firm footing in the
process at this stage was not helping matters… sure I can wing it when I
don’t have any charge (the Clinique girl) but when there is charge,
preparation is so critical, and making sure that the spiel works with your
style/personality.
Kirin's
"Shy100" – Intro (8/2/04)
Two years prior, this is
where it all came from...
***QUESTION***
Hey Dave! Your material is phenomenal! I've always been C&F, but
struggled with my ability to approach women I didn't know. That dam
fear of rejection ran deep. Well, after reading your book and
specifically, the example of your friend who went to the mall just
started approaching women and introducing himself until he drove the
fear out, I decided to take a similar approach. Whenever I saw a women I
thought was HOT, (at the bar, restaurant, library, or pretty much
anywhere) well, that feeling in my stomach would begin. So, keeping
your teaching in mind, I took a quick breath, envisioned myself being
successful and moved in with the following "line".
"Hi! My
name is J- and I'm performing an exercise to eliminate the fear of
approaching women whom I find attractive." "Thanks for
participating!"
I do that with a
completely serious facial expression and an extended handshake. Then
end with a Sly smile and simply go on my way. Well, 70% of the time I
get turned right back around by them and end up walking off triumphantly
with an email or phone number in my pocket. For the times I don't get
turned RIGHT back around, I catch them staring me down from across the
room/bar/wherever I am and I just make my way back over there when I'm
good and ready.
Ok, my question is: I've been dating a lot of different girls. I am
usually able to determine if I would like to make things last with them
within the first two dates. My problem is with the girls whom I just
wish to be friends with or even just put behind me, how do I let them
down easy? I don't want to be a jerk or burn any bridges, but how do I
get them to STOP friggin' calling ME! This is especially difficult
after being intimate with a woman. Some pointers and examples of tact
in this situation would be greatly appreciated! HOW DO I TURN IT OFF,
DAVE?
J.D.M. 26 – Chicago
Copyright 2006, all rights reserved. Not to be reproduced in any fashion without
written permission from the author.
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