Kirin's Shy 100

Day 1, #1
January 21, 2006

Field report:

This one pretty much happened by accident…

I am at an Erotic Poetry reading that afterwards is supposed to break into a “Sex Positive” party.  I don’t know what that is… and I’m not sure I’m ready to find out. I’m pretty much just there to experience the challenge of being in a “party” atmosphere and to try to make some connections with the group of people that runs the thing.

I spent a lot of the night just “witnessing” my emotions as they come up (insecurity, inadequacy, etc.) and giving myself a lot of credit for just being there in the first place, around people, around strangers.  I do break into a couple of conversations, challenging one attractive woman on some philosophical point she’s trying to make with one of the poets; teasing another for stealing my stool while I’m in the bathroom. 

But after the poetry ended was when things really shifted. The readings had gotten me totally charged and the connections just fell into place as I talked to the poets, getting lots of unexpected “Indicators of Interest”, prolonged touching, rubbing against me while talking to others, etc. 

But there was one girl that I hadn’t connected with who was a little more scary. She was on the couch chatting up this studly guy who’d had all the women in the room drooling during his performance…  On impulse I walked up, crouched down, put my hand on her leg, held my breath and blurted out something incomprehensible like:

“Hi I’m Working This Project To Overcome Shyness Where You Have To Let 100 Gorgeous Women Know That You Think They Are Gorgeous And I Think You’re Gorgeous Dot Dot Dot”

The reaction was amazing.

She put her hand on my arm, looked deeply in my eyes and asked “Why do you need to do that? Is it hard for you to meet people? You’re really doing that to overcome shyness?”

“Yes, I’m doing it to overcome shyness” I said, and I told her that she was the first.

She pretty much melted…

“I’m the first? Really? Wow, you’re very brave,” she said, pulling even closer to me.

I noticed there was a HUGE amount of warmth coming out of her palm (which was still on my arm) and commented on it… talking about reiki, psychic healing, etc.

“Here, let me test you…” I said.

I had her sit on the edge of the couch, placed one of my hands on her chest (skin to skin), the other on the small of her back (again, skin to skin), and within seconds I had her breathing in unison with me, eyes closed… one hand on her exposed heart, the other hand adjusting her posture from behind, gently guiding her this way and that as we breathed together. 

All this, just minutes after meeting her.

I got up to leave, and the look in her eyes was amazing, as if she was thinking… “Wait, you can’t leave. That’s not what’s supposed to happen next. You’re so cool… you can’t just… leave.”

But I did, hugging a few more people as I walked out the door, I was stoked, and astounded.  Not only was I able to connect with a woman I found beautiful, and easily. She’d been attracted to me as well.

Freaky.  Freaky and amazing.


Day 9, #2
January 29, 2006

Field report:

I’m out of town visiting a friend and I’m in Starbucks waiting for my coffee and waiting for her to come out of the bathroom.  Across the room I see this stunning, lanky woman… like a 12 or 13 on the 10 point scale for me… Meaning she’s a 10 and I’m actually drawn to her, as opposed to repelled.  Generally, if a woman is attractive and put together I tend to project all sorts of negative things on her… high maintenance, narcissistic, frosty, etc.  In this case I’m not getting any of that read.  She’s staring at me, and I’m staring at her and the eye-gaze game of chicken is on, and I’m not about to loose. 

I don’t remember who looked away first but it was definitely one of those “OK, we respect each-other… let’s move on” deals.  My coffee comes and my friend has not, so I walk back to the front of the restaurant, passing the 13, to sit on a stool until my friend returns… who then does.  As we were leaving, again on impulse, I walk up to the 13, put my hand on her shoulder and deliver the spiel… and crash and burn.

She smiles politely and shakes my hand but I leave feeling like I’ve just found a dirty lollypop in my pocket and started sucking on it… I literally felt like there was a film of lint on my tongue.  Her energy was SO jaded and full of entitlement and yes, she was polite but ICK.

Then, leaving the building I got this incredible RUSH, just like surviving a bungee jump but without the cliff.  It was like “Wow, I really did that… that was so cool. So what if I sucked. So what if she was frosty.  The point for me is to get over the fear of approach, and that was probably about the worst it’s ever gonna be and I did fine!”

I was so charged I felt like I just wanted to run out and do a dozen more… and the buzz lasted all night.   


Day 15, #3
February 4, 2006

Field report: #3 & the Clinique Girl

Two weeks after my first “approach,” and nearly a year and a half after first learning about the project, I’ve decided to take it on in full.  My goal is 10 and I’m walking a quaint little “downtown” area near my house. (DPA)  I wander around a bit and I notice that the longer I put off starting the more stale the whole environment feels. I feel more intimidated, less and less capable of trying. I’m psyching myself out, and not noticing any targets anyway. Deciding I need a new environment, I head out to nearby mall.  A very “posh” location with lots of expensive stores. (SFM) But feeling defeated by my experience so far I decide I need a warm-up first and go to a local grocery store setting myself a goal of at least 1… but once again it just doesn’t feel “right.” I’m totally psyching myself out…  “Gotta do it…”  “Can’t do it…” “Gotta do it…” “Can’t do it…” “Gotta” “Can’t.” “Gotta” “Can’t.”  Defeated, I slink out of the store, feeling like the omni-dork.

Soon I’m at the mall and again notice how intense my resistance feels… my head is coming up with all sorts of reasons why I shouldn’t do it… “place isn’t right,” “it’s impolite,” “the spiel isn’t right,”  etc.  I’m psyching myself out, again… but I’m at least aware of it. So I just witness. Give myself permission to be a dork and decide to first get the lay of the land by just walking the length of the mall and give myself permission to not hit any targets yet.  Just thinking about it is frightening enough.

Walking along, I notice that there really are no targets, and the ones that catch my eye are mostly in groups, male/female, female/female, and I start to get a sense of how easy groups (“Sets” in PUA nomenclature) could actually be. In all the study I’ve done, when people talk about sets I always thought that I’d NEVER be able to do that… but walking the mall I could see how it could actually be easier. Less pressure somehow since you’re not focusing all your attention on one person. I’ve noticed this as well in teaching Yoga, that a small class is exhausting, while a large one is energizing.

Still walking, I’m feeling a knot in my stomach, tension in my gut, and still not seeing targets anywhere. I make it to the back of the mall and wander into a store that used to be a cool record store but was no longer and behind the counter is this yummy mulato and I walk up.

“Can I help you?” She asks.    

I put out my hand, shake hers and stuttering and shaking say “I’m K-K-Kirin, I’m trying to overcome shyness by introducing myself to attractive women…”

(Blank stare…) She smiles politely and shakes my hand and says, “Oh, thanks… I hope you get that fixed!”

I leave… Ugh.

I wander out feeling frustrated that I’d delivered so badly but then quickly shift my focus to the positive, focusing on the fact that I DID do it… that how well I do it is not the point and that I had done it. So what if I freaked… I did it! Then the rush hit… WOW! Did I feel powerful… I’d broken through the wall of fear into courage! I was still not happy with the “performance” but was thrilled with myself for doing it at all…

Next I head toward the Clinique counter at Macy’s to pick up some toner and the counter girl’s eyes are gorgeous – so I do the “Eye Thing” on her. The eye thing is not part of the program… just something that I do sometimes as an artist when someone’s eyes strike me, male or female. I’ve done it for years.

Me: “Are your eyes real?”
She “Huh? What do you mean?” (They almost always say that… It’s kind of an IQ test... if they get your meaning right away you know you've got someone sharp)
Me: “Are they contacts or natural?”
She: “No they’re real” (she beams)
Me: “Let me get a better look… come closer…”

I motion her to come closer… I’ve now got her about a foot away from my face staring into her eyes and she giggling and hemming and hawing and looking away, not able to hold my gaze and trying to look down but not being able to because the whole point is for me to see her eyes. I tell her “No, don’t look at me… look through me. Focus beyond me…” She’s muttering some gibberish about her Grandma as I notice she’s wearing a lot of makeup (done well --as she’s a Clinique girl of course) and I say, “You’ve got too much makeup on… I can’t tell what color they really are. Let me see your drivers license.” Then the phone rings and she’s totally addled… “Wait, wait. Don’t leave, I’ll get it for you… hold on…”

I was amazed at how willing she was to follow my lead… I’d just met her and she was following my every instruction. Amazing… She brings it to me, deliberately covering everything but her photo with her hand, and I take the license from her to get a closer look (still covering everything with my hand… a nice detail I felt) and comment that I still cant see them well enough. But enough’s enough… I head out, leaving her wishing I’d asked for her e-mail and feeling like a million bucks.

After that I headed out to Starbucks, and reflected a bit on my experiences. It was interesting how CHALLENGING the first counter girl was and how EASY the second was… the difference was familiarity (with the spiel) and motivation. In the first case I was SO charged around the activity… in the second I was simply curious about her eyes, with nothing to gain or lose, and very comfortable being dominant in that situation. Interesting.

Take Aways: On the first one I was noticing again how the built up pressure of anxiety relived itself in jubilation after breaking through the wall. Also, the way that I am able to confidently lead a woman again surprises me… I’ve really learned a lot working this stuff, but you don’t really see it until you put it into practice. I’m thinking that this spiel I’m working with is perhaps a really hard assignment for me… admitting that I am both overcoming “shyness” and “attracted” to someone are two of the most vulnerable things I can say to someone… but I’m willing to play the game ‘cause I know that I’ll learn valuable things no matter what. I’m also clear that I need to have the spiel down… that not having firm footing in the process at this stage was not helping matters… sure I can wing it when I don’t have any charge (the Clinique girl) but when there is charge, preparation is so critical, and making sure that the spiel works with your style/personality.


Kirin's "Shy100" – Intro (8/2/04) 

Two years prior, this is where it all came from...


Hey Dave!  Your material is phenomenal! I've always been C&F, but struggled with my ability to approach women I  didn't know. That dam fear of rejection ran deep. Well, after reading your book and specifically, the example of your friend who went to the mall just started approaching women and introducing himself until he drove the fear out, I decided to take a similar approach. Whenever I saw a women I thought was HOT, (at the bar, restaurant, library, or pretty much anywhere) well, that feeling in my stomach would begin.  So, keeping your teaching in mind, I took a quick breath, envisioned myself being successful and moved in with the following "line".

"Hi!  My name is J- and I'm performing an exercise to eliminate the fear of approaching women whom I find attractive."  "Thanks for participating!"

I do that with a completely serious facial expression and an extended handshake.  Then end with a Sly smile and simply go on my way.  Well, 70% of the time I get turned right back around by them and end up walking off triumphantly with an email or phone number in my pocket.  For the times I don't get turned RIGHT back around, I catch them staring me down from across the room/bar/wherever I am and I just make my way back over there when I'm good and ready.

Ok, my question is:  I've been dating a lot of different girls.  I am usually able to determine if I would like to make things last with them within the first two dates.  My problem is with the girls whom I just wish to be friends with or even just put behind me, how do I let them down easy?  I don't want to be a jerk or burn any bridges, but how do I get them to STOP friggin' calling ME!  This is especially difficult after being intimate with a woman.  Some pointers and examples of tact in this situation would be greatly appreciated!  HOW DO I TURN IT OFF, DAVE?

J.D.M.  26 – Chicago



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